Hey everyone,

I wrote a guest post for Assume Love. It’s about miscommunication, the usual error, and assuming love. Check it out!

The Assume Love blog has a lot of good stuff about keeping committed relationships healthy. If you’re into that sort of thing, you might enjoy the other posts as well. (:

Today is our fourth anniversary, and in a way, our first.

We’ve grown as individuals and as a couple more in this past year than ever before. We’ve come from an unhealthy toxic relationship based in fear, and moved into a remarkably healthy, mutually beneficial relationship based entirely in love and respect.

We love each other more now than we ever thought possible. We’re closer now than we ever thought possible. We’re happier now than we ever thought possible.

Pace is my partner in business, in life, and in love. We’re creating our life, shaping it into what we want it to be, sharing life and love and laughter every step of the way. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Four years today, baby, and hundreds more to come. (; I love you.

I name everything. I name all my electronics, my kitchen appliances, my gadgets, my car, my computers, anything that winds up in the bed (pillows, stuffed animals, etc). When I was little, I named every single toy, all my dolls, all my stuffed animals - and I remembered everyone’s name, and said goodnight to everyone before sleep. (My dad, bless ‘em, had to kiss everyone and say goodnight to all 50 of us before he could leave my room every night.)

I don’t just name things, though. I sit with things and let them tell me their names. Any time I name something different from what I get, I eventually cave and change it. I wanted to name my cat Morpheus, but his name is Phineas, and after I played with him for a few hours I knew Morpheus would never stick ’cause it wasn’t right. I’ve known every car I’ve ever sat in, whether it was mine or not. I’ve named trees and rocks and rivers, lamps and keys and wallets.

My iPod’s name is Silverfish. My car is Aimee. My microwave is Lamar. My pillow is Benny. My laptop’s name is Abbi. My bass is Lilith. My cell’s name is Mot.

I used to be afraid of technology. Terrified, in fact. I started buying CDs only when my third cassette of Jagged Little Pill broke and I couldn’t find a replacement. I started buying DVDs only when I couldn’t find Moulin Rouge! on VHS. I got a cell phone after our landline phone company took three months to get our landline installed, and even then failed to get it right - I spent four months with no phone whatsoever to avoid getting a cell, but finally acquiesced.

As I grew more into myself, I became more of a technopagan and realized that all things are connected. Each creature, be it technological or natural, has a spirit. I opened up and started listening to those spirits, and they gave me their names. It brings me closer to the gadgets and whatsits I use in my life and brings me joy and connection. I suspect it extends the life of my gadgets, too - we’re connected, so I often know when something is about to go wrong and can do preventative care. Plus, we’re friends so we want to treat each other well and work well together. (:

I hug my things, too. One night after a particularly grueling work session, I hugged Abbi (my laptop). It felt so good and made me so happy, I decided to do it more often. I sing sweetly to my iPod, I thank my microwave, I feed the fires of my stove, I dance for my refrigerator. I pet my car, kiss my TV, and snuggle my hoodie. All of this may seem silly, but it increases the amount of affection in my life. It makes me happy, lifts my spirits, and reminds me that I’m not alone even if I’m the only human around. It also helps me slow down and remember that I’m part of something bigger, reminds me of the connection I have with the world at large.

This is one of the biggest changes in my personal paradigm, one of the clearest ways in which I’ve grown. I used to be technophobic and now I’m a technopagan. I used to live in fear and now I live in love. I used to need control over, now I have connection with. This is a very real part of how I’m embodying the change I want to see in the world - I want a shift from the control paradigm (where fear rules and we’re oft disconnected and lost) to the connection paradigm (where love rules and we’re always connected and fulfilled).

Next time you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, hug your laptop. Sing to your iPod - it won’t care if you can’t carry a tune. Be grateful to your microwave or stove or pots & pans for helping you have food. Appreciate your TV or PS2 or Wii for providing you with entertainment. Pat the roof of your car. Listen. Feel your connection with things typically taken for granted, and see how your life is enriched!

My friend Hayden Tompkins recently posted about a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately: communicating with your in-laws. But her post got me thinking about it from a different perspective. It got me thinking about my spiritual path and my internal tension between inner work and outer work.

I believe strongly in personal and spiritual growth, and I also believe strongly in making the world a better place. I’ve struggled with this tension for many years and I’ve eventually come to the conclusion that my spiritual path is not an ascetic or solipsistic one. It’s not one that focuses on a hereafter or any sort of supernatural or otherworldly concerns. As B, my path focuses on this world, the one we live in.

I believe that we are all one — here and now. Not that our souls, now separate, will eventually join together in some other place. I believe that we are all one in this world. My path is to share this awareness with others.

However, no one can do self-work for you. No one can introspect for you. No one can do spiritual growth on your behalf. It has to come from within and can’t be forced down your throat. So running around and telling people “We are all one!” isn’t going to do a lot of good, because most people aren’t in a place to listen.

So my path is to pave the way for others to follow their own spiritual paths. To do this, I do my best to be a model, to be the change I want to see. I’m also working on making the world a better place, so that others will be free to pursue their own paths of personal and spiritual growth. People stuck in the ghettos aren’t free to do that. People caught up in hate, war, and racism aren’t free to do that. People stuck in the control paradigm aren’t free to do that.

I’m not doing anything about war or the ghettos, although I support those who are. Instead I’m focusing on bringing about a paradigm shift, from a control paradigm to a connection paradigm. For instance, I’m teaching communication skills, to help people connect with each other (and themselves!) more authentically. In the connection paradigm, people are free to pursue their own paths of personal and spiritual growth. And that sounds like a pretty awesome paradigm to me. (:

I’m working on developing the habit of being happy. Experience has shown me that being happy is something you can practice and become better at. To help me make a habit of being happy, I’m working on several supporting habits.

1. Drinking more water. I’ve noticed that I often feel “cottonheaded” when I’m feeling grumpy, depressed, or overwhelmed. My eyes feel like they’re set back a little further in their sockets instead of being at the forefront, my thoughts feel like they’re slogging through mud, and my head feels like it’s wrapped in cotton. I move and react very slowly and become incapable of solving problems that require creative thought. Then, as soon as I have a glass of water, clarity returns. So I’m taking a page from Kyeli’s book and trying the eight-glasses-a-day thing. Except that I’m trying to drink eight 16oz glasses a day instead of 8oz glasses, so that’s quite a lot of water. My bladder is having a hard time adjusting and I’m making lots of bathroom trips, but Kyeli tells me it gets a bit better in a couple of months. Being hydrated is a major help! I’m much happier and much less cottonheaded when I’m well hydrated. Keeping a bottle of water in my purse has helped a lot in keeping the habit going.

2. Eating healthier. Again inspired by Kyeli, I’m doing a 30-day trial of being vegan. I’ve been a vegetarian for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I was eating well. I ate lots of cheese pizza and other such foods high in carbs and loaded with cheese. Eating heavy meals often led to me feeling lethargic and cottonheaded, and that’s been happening a lot less since I’ve been vegan (and actually eating vegetables!)

3. Eating smaller meals more often. This has required some logistical changes in my routine, but helps a lot in avoiding the food coma after a big meal.

4. Avoiding caffeine. I didn’t really intend to do this, but since I’ve made these other changes in my habits and lifestyle, I’ve found that I haven’t been as sleepy and lethargic, except on Mondays when I wake up at 5:30 for Toastmasters. I haven’t really needed caffeine, so now that I’ve noticed, I’m officially making it part of the 30-day trial too.

5. Exercising 3 times a week. I’ll play Dance Dance Revolution (actually Stepmania or In The Groove) on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday for at least half an hour, and I’ll pay attention to how I feel on those days versus the other days.

6. Slowing down. Enjoying the journey.

7. Tasting my goals. Remembering the passion that fired me to choose this path in life.

8. Asking for help. Kyeli asked me for a list of things she could do to cheer me up if I’m feeling down or depressed and she wants to try cheering me up. Happy music, a yummy snack, a walk outside, a shoulder rub (I often store my stress in my shoulders), making me laugh, or any of half a dozen other things can cheer me up, and then as soon as I feel cheery I remember that I enjoy being cheery. (: It’s enough to get me out of the rut I’m stuck in.

So far it’s been going really well. I’ve been feeling a lot less cottonheaded, down, stressed, and unmotivated, and feeling a lot more happy, slow, and lighthearted. At the end of the month I’ll let you know how the 30-day trial went. I’m feeling pretty darn good so far. (:

After tallying the votes and listening to your feedback, we brainstormed some new subtitles that took everyone’s input into account. One of the new ones resonated with us really strongly, so that’s the one we chose.

Just another month or so until it’s published!

My maternal grandfather is very ill and will pass away soon.

I haven’t seen my family in close to a decade.

I used to be close to my family - very close. My mom, her sister, and their mother were my best friends even through high school. My dad’s sister was my biggest fan and secret role model for decades. My cousins and I ran in a pack like wild animals. I cherished family reunions and looked forward to the chaos of the holidays with a childlike glee well into my early 20’s.

Eventually, my roving gypsy nature gripped me and I left Texas. I moved from place to place for nearly five years. As I traveled the great north, I grew and changed in ways that separated me from my conservative relatives, and I became neurotic about going “home”. When I finally did return to Texas, I settled in Austin and haven’t seen anyone but my parents and brother. I was distant through life and travel and youth.

Now, though, I remain distant through fear. I’m vastly different from my family - they’re all Christian republican conservatives, and I’m a bleeding heart liberal lesbian freaky witch who unschools her kid - the black sheep of the family, for sure. And I actually have had experience with persecution by a few family members, so there are emotional reasons behind the fear.

However, I’m proud of who I am. I’ve struggled long and hard to get where I am, and I’m in a damn good place.

So tomorrow, I’m going back. I’m taking my wild unschooled kid, my beautiful witchy wife, and my crazy, tattooed, pierced self, and putting in an appearance at the hospital. It’s important to me to see my family before my grandfather goes - I want to be there for my mom and grandmother. What’s more, I’m going to see the rest of my estranged family at Christmastime.

It’s time. I’ve spent too long hiding away in my safe bubble in the Austin Weirdo community fearing my family’s reactions to me and my life. I want to see my relatives, the people who share my blood and my childhood, before death is in the air. A crisis is an extremely difficult time to reconnect, and I regret leaving it so long.

Who have you been avoiding out of fear? Whose love do you miss? Which connections do you regret letting lapse? Find them. Seek them out. Reconnect and remind each other of the love and memories you share - today. Soon. Before death brings you together and the air is full of sorrow and grief instead of joy and laughter.

It’s scary, it’s hard — but it’s worth it.

Mo Pie over at Big Fat Deal (an awesome blog about issues faced by women in general and overweight women in specific) wrote an awesome post on Friday, ending with the question “Can you be overweight, yet truly happy?”

I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. I got heavy as a kid and only went up from there. I’ve been teased, hurt, persecuted, tormented, and excluded based on my size - and more than a little of the abuse was from my own self. I spent most of my life feeling like a victim, trapped in my overweight and horribly out-of-shape body, not liking myself and hating my body.

But, as I said to Mo Pie, then I started paying attention. I started listening to myself. I started hearing those hateful thoughts that would go through my mind at random times, the insecurity that would float by whenever someone stared at me for any length of time. I knew that I would never say such things to someone I loved, so why was it okay to say them to myself?

I’m finding now, in this new and tender place of self-love and self-respect, that my numbers don’t matter. My weight, my size, my measurements - they don’t define me. They are but a small drop in the lake that fills and creates who I am. What matters is how I feel. If I feel ill or unhappy all the time, something needs to change. If I feel healthy and happy, that’s great - no matter my size.

And I find that, as long as I’m listening, paying attention, and taking good care of myself, I am truly happy.

Here’s your chance, darling readers, to give a little input. We’ve got a slew of potential subtitles for our soon-to-be-released book, and we’d love your help in choosing a subtitle.

Here are your choices:

1. The Usual Error: How to Solve Common Communication Problems

2. The Usual Error: Helpful Solutions to Common Communication Problems
3. The Usual Error: Helpful, Sticky Solutions to Common Communication Problems
4. The Usual Error: 34 Communication Tips That Will Improve Your Life
5. The Usual Error and 33 Other Common Communication Problems — and How to Solve Them
6. The Usual Error and Other Obstacles to Authentic Communication — and How to Overcome Them
7. The Usual Error: Chock Full of Communication Goodness!
8. The Usual Error: How to Achieve Authentic Communication
9. The Usual Error: 34 Solutions to Common Communication Problems
10. The Usual Error: 34 Ways to Achieve Authentic Communication
11. The Usual Error: 34 Ways to Improve Communication
12. The Usual Error: 34 Ways to Improve Communication and Relationships
13. The Usual Error and 33 Other Easily Solvable Communication Problems

Imagine you don’t know what the book is about (you might not have to imagine very hard). Which of these would tempt you to pull it off the shelf or click through on Amazon?

We will, of course, let you know which one we pick. Additional suggestions and comments are, as always, welcome.

Your vote will be considered in the final decision. No guarantees are made. No compensation given for opinions. All suggestions and opinions become permanent property of previous owner. This is only a test. No kittens were harmed in the making of this blog post.

Last week, Kyeli and I were finishing up the fourth draft of the book. We were discussing what to do about one of our editors who was running late getting her comments to us, and we had an interesting miscommunication.

Kyeli said, “If she gets them to us by Friday, I’d like to look over them, but I don’t want to go through them with the expectation that we’ll merge most of the changes in like we’ve been doing with the other editors. Does that make sense?”

I replied, “Yes, totally,” and nodded.

I then went on to say, “My opinion is that I’d prefer to treat her edits just like the others, even though they’re late.”

Kyeli was confused, because she thought that I had agreed, then promptly turned around to disagree. From my perspective, I had agreed that Kyeli’s point of view made sense, not that I thought it was the best way to handle things.

We each made the usual error.

Perhaps this is a difference in communication styles between literal-minded people (like me) and figurative-minded people (like Kyeli)?

How would you have interpreted my response of “Yes, totally”?